


How To Impress Eldritch Terrors

by Trisor (Firebog)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alpha Dean, Body Worship, Castiel as God, Criminal Castiel, Criminal Dean, Demon Dean, Dinosaur Dean, Dinosaur Sam, Dinosaurs, Dragon Dean, Everything Is Better With Dragons, Ice Cream, Jealous Dean, Nerd Dean, Punk Castiel, Russian Castiel, Self-cest, Single Parent Dean, Soulless Sam Winchester, Tattooed Castiel, Terribly Out Of Character, Unexpected Visitors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-02
Updated: 2016-04-17
Packaged: 2018-05-30 16:40:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 18,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6432262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Firebog/pseuds/Trisor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The really unfortunate thing - besides all the genocide and mass murder - was that Castiel playing god was hot. That would have been a good thing except Castiel The New God had made it abundantly clear that he didn't give two shits about Dean. But Dean was nothing but determined. He quickly figured out the best way to impress Castiel and win him back over: Porn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dean

The really unfortunate thing - besides all the genocide and mass murder - was that Castiel playing god was _hot._

That would have been a good thing except Castiel had made it abundantly clear that he didn't give two shits about Dean.

Which was why Dean had decided that maybe he needed some insider info on how to win over an entity that could lay waste to cities if it felt like it. He just hoped that Eleanor would put aside their whole _broke into your house and stole a sword from you_ past. They were practically family these days.

But from the cool look on Eleanor's face he wasn't sure if the roses and daggers bouquet was working.

She looked up at him slowly. "I'm not quite sure what it is you think I can do."

"I just need some advice." Dean said. He'd get down on his knees and beg if he thought that would help. "You're kinda the only supernatural being I can talk to about this kind of stuff that won't try to kill me."

She arched an eyebrow at him as if to say, _what makes you believe that?_ She motioned for him to sit down on the couch beside her. "This is about Castiel, isn't it?"

Dean sat down and sighed. "Yeah."

Eleanor pat his leg. "There are worse gods to be infatuated with." She looked Dean over and tapped a finger on the arm of the couch. "He probably has people worshiping him night and day. So declaring your undying love for him probably wouldn't mean much. Everyone who doesn't want to become a red smear on the wall is doing that these days."

"Yeah. I tried that at first." Dean admitted. "He rolled his eyes and left."

"Try doing something personal." Eleanor suggested. "Something that people wouldn't do for their terrifying new god. Something that tells him that you still think of _him_ and not his power."

Dean nodded enthusiastically. He could do that. All he ever did these days was think about Castiel and how amazing he was. And how awesome he was. And how hot he was. And how amazing and awesome and hot it would be if Castiel grabbed him and nailed him to the wall with his dick.

Eleanor snapped her fingers in Dean's face. "You may be my fiancé's adopted son but that doesn't mean I want to watch you daydream about sex."

Dean turned bright red. Despite being Dean fucking Winchester, having sex fantasies in front of his sort of step-mother was actually incredibly embarrassing.

"Right." Dean said. He slapped a hand to his thigh. "So what should I do?"


	2. Soulless Sam

"Are you sure about this?" Sam asked. He looked over the assortment of things Dean had gathered up in the empty field.

"Yeah." Dean said and went back to praying for Castiel to come.

Sam surveyed the field again. He may be soulless at the moment and not really understand all of the weird love and romantic crap Dean had going on but he was still pretty sure that Dean had lost it. Who would think a having a picnic in the middle of a bunch of beehives was romantic?

And for that matter who would think a good romantic picnic involved three dozen quarts of ice cream, scalding hot coffee, a stack of hamburgers, half a dozen pies, and a third wheel?

"Okay." Sam said. "I can kind of get the coffee and hamburgers." He motioned to them. "And I'm guessing the ice cream is for the pie, which is probably just your constant need to validate your dessert choices. But why am I here?"

"Eleanor said I should bring things he likes." Dean said. "He likes you."

Sam laughed. "Right. You're the one he has a more profound bond with."

"Yeah. But that doesn't mean he _likes_ me." Dean said. "He had orders to drag my ass out of Hell. He just waltz on in because he wanted to when he got you out."

"He left my soul behind." Sam said. "Not that I'm complaining."

"Semantics." Dean waved his hand dismissively.

Sam shook his head. All these... _soulies_ were weird. How had he never noticed before?

The gentle breeze picked up. There was a gust of wind. Then Castiel was standing in front of them, watching them dispassionately.

"I told you to not bother me anymore." Castiel said. "I have more important things to do then cater to your whims, Dean."

"Cas—" Dean stopped. He cleared his throat. "Castiel. Would you please have lunch with me?"

Castiel stared at him. Sam waited for him to say that he didn't need to eat.

"Is this supposed to be another _date?"_ Castiel asked.

Dean licked his lips. Sam watched the wheels turn in his head. Sam was pretty sure Dean was torn between being offended that Castiel wouldn't immediately recognize his weirdo picnic as an awesome romantic date and being heartbroken over the way that Cas had said _date._

Dean clenched his jaw and nodded. "Yeah."

Castiel looked the picnic over again. He held up his hand. He raised one finger. "First of all, I don't particularly like ice cream." He held up another finger. "Second, I will have no part in your constant need to validate your dessert choices." He held up another finger. "Third, your abilities to make a cup of coffee are abysmal." He held up another finger. "Fourth, I like my men the way I like my coffee; covered in bees. Which-" He motioned with his other hand at them. "-you are clearly not even _attempting."_ He held up another finger. "Fifth, several of these hamburgers have not been cooked to an adequate internal temperature. If I were human you'd be giving me food poisoning."

Then Castiel held up a sixth finger which made Sam do a double take because he was pretty sure Jimmy Novak hadn't been polydactyl. But whatever, Castiel was the New God. He could probably conjure up extra limbs the same way humans could lie.

"Sixth." Castiel paused for dramatic effect. "I explicitly told you that I didn't want any part in this nonsense. I am quite capable of taking care of my own physical and romantic needs."

Dean's lip quivered. "But—"

Castiel put his hand up for silence. "Let me put it into terms you can better understand. Go fuck yourself, Dean. I'm busy." Then Castiel snapped his fingers and Dean disappeared.

Sam looked around. "...uh...you didn't send him to the moon or something did you? He has the car keys."

"No." Castiel said. He went over the nearest hive and took the lid off. He reached in. Sam was pretty sure he was petting the bees.

"...okay." Sam said. "Then where...?"

"Six miles west of here at a sewage treatment pond." Castiel said. He took his bee-covered hand out from the hive. "In a sinking canoe without paddles."

Sam snorted. He might not have a soul but that was funny. Dean was literally up shit creek in a sinking boat without a paddle.

"Don't eat the hamburgers." Castiel warned. "Otherwise you can keep everything but the bees." He turned around and squinted at Sam. "Please tell your brother that unless he has something genuinely worthy of my interest to stop praying to me."

Sam shrugged. "Sure."


	3. Bobby

Dean stomped into Bobby's house, muttering about how Castiel had been a dick angel and now he was a dick god— and how much he wished he knew whether Castiel was actually a dick god.

"What the hell happened to you? You smell like an outhouse." Bobby held his nose.

Sam snickered. "Cas wasn't impressed by his romantic wooing."

"Wooing?" Bobby asked confused. He looked to Dean. He spread his free hand in a gesture that was supposed to convey, _what the hell kind of crazy is going on here?_

 Dean sighed. "I've tried everything else."

Bobby looked between his two idiot adoptive sons. He pointed at a still snickering Sam. "Go put your robot endurance to some use and press some shotgun shells or sort knives or something."

Sam shook his head and disappeared into the basement muttering about _'soulies'._

Dean threw himself down dramatically into a chair and sighed like he was Juliet pinning over Romeo. "Bobby, what do I do?"

"First, you take a damn shower." Bobby said. He eyed the chair Dean was sitting in. He'd have to scrub it down with Lysol later. "And you don't _woo_ eldritch terrors. Who told you that?"

"The eldritch terror you're engaged to." Dean said.

Bobby snorted. "Eleanor told you that?"

"Yeah." Dean said. He narrowed his eyes at an imaginary point in front of him. "She's still mad about the sword, isn't she?"

"Hoppin'." Bobby said. He pulled out a chair across from Dean. He almost slid it back in but then thought better of it. Dean really did need that shower. He crossed his arms and gave Dean a serious father look. "Eldritch terrors like to be impressed."

"Impressed?" Dean asked.

Bobby nodded. "They have most everything they want. Usually they're actually kind of bored." Bobby stopped and thought to himself. That would probably explain why so many gods and minor spirits caused so much trouble. They had nothing better to do. "So you have to think of something to impress them. Catch their interest."

Dean stared ahead, thinking. He looked sidelong at Bobby. "What did you do to impress Eleanor?"

"You don't want to know." Bobby said. He shook his head. He still had six pounds of snake livers in his freezer after his proposal. "And it'll be different for Castiel anyway."


	4. Dean

Dean laid awake in bed. He had tossed and turned all night. How was he supposed to impress a god? His experience with gods was that most of them either wanted to kill everybody or didn't give a crap about the world.

How was he supposed to impress a god that was bored by the entire world?

He'd spent a week reading through Bobby's books looking for something impressive. He'd even started searching on line for ideas about how to impress people you had a crush on. He didn't think a day at the zoo and a fancy dinner was going to cut it.

He agonized over everything Castiel had said to him since he'd become the New God but couldn't find a hint of what might impress him.

It was two am on a Wednesday when Dean finally had an idea. He crept downstairs into Bobby's den and dug through the mountains of books until he found the one he was looking for. He skimmed through until he found the spell. He collected up all the ingredients that he'd need and took them out to the garage.

He looked around the garage. He'd need some space...and some furniture and a camera...and some lube. He left the spell ingredients in the garage and went for his car.

He spent the next three hours driving around the greater Sioux Falls area looking for supplies.

By nine am he had cleared a wide space for himself in the garage and filled it up with blow up furniture and cameras. There were bottles of lube strategically placed throughout the set.

Dean nodded to himself; satisfied by his setup. He went back to the book and the spell ingredients. It was a spell to summon people from alternate universes. Castiel had told him to go fuck himself and that was exactly what he'd do. He'd make the best goddamned self-fucking porno ever made.

Who wouldn't be impressed by that?

Dean stumbled over the words and sputtered through spell. He hoped it wasn't one of those really picky about pronunciation spells. He tossed the ingredients onto the floor and drew symbols through it. He pricked the second finger of his left hand and let blood drip onto the floor.

Purple smoke started shooting up from the symbols. Dean jumped back. The smoke started to hiss. Dean backed up more, he may have started to regret his choices. A purple light started to seep out of the ground. Then the smoke exploded and Dean was flattened back on his ass.

The next Dean knew there was a crash and some swearing. Then two sets of feathery claws jumped over him hissing and screeching as they bolted out the door, followed by what looked a lot like a dragon.

"Shit. I told you something like this would happen."

"Right. Because getting transported to...wherever this place is when you're trying to make out beside the raptor pen is totally predictable."

Dean's eyebrows furrowed in confusion. He had meant to summon up himself from an alternate reality not...he sat up and stared at two women hastily straightening their work coveralls. "Meg? Eve?"

What the hell? How did he end up with alternate universe Meg and Eve?

"Yeah. I'd ask how you know my name but honestly I'm a bit more concerned with the two feathered devils that just took off in a wild bid for freedom." Meg said. "Velociraptors might look like knee high adorable puffballs but they're more of a nuisance than raccoons in your attic."

"Velociraptors!?" A tiny kid voice squeaked in glee. "I wanna see!"

"Later."

Dean recognized that last voice. Finally. He turned around to see himself five years younger and surrounded by a gaggle of kids. His eyes bugged out when he recognized ten year old Sam among the gaggle.

"As soon as I figure out what the heck just happened." The younger Dean said. He whipped his head around. His mouth dropped open. His face turned red. He stuck his hands out and started ushering the kids to the door. "Actually let's look for the vicious dino-raccoons right now! Wouldn't that be great!? Yeah!"

Dean craned his head around to see what had younger him riled up. "Huh."

Meg burst out laughing. "Oh my god, uncle Azazel. I fucking knew it!"

Dean stared at _Azazel_ kneeling behind another Dean that was on his hands and knees. Dean had not quite been prepared for an alternate universe version of himself that was apparently hot for Azazel.

"...kinda regretting letting you knot me." The Dean on his hands and knees said.

"I never thought I'd say it but me too." Azazel said.

"Well at least we're not the only naked ones." Another voice piped up.

Dean looked over. He cocked his head to the side as he tried to figure out what he was looking at exactly. He watched an early twenty something heavily tattooed Cas untangled himself from an early twenty something Dean that was blushing like a fire engine.

"Having other naked people around doesn't make this good." The early twenty something Dean said. He groped around himself. The tattooed Cas reached down and passed him a pair of glasses. The early twenty something Dean took them and slipped them on. "Thanks."

The tattooed Cas stood up and looked around. He leered at a spot further down. "Look, another naked me." He craned his head up. "Oh, and another naked you."

"What the hell is going on?" Yet another Dean said.  

"I was wondering the same thing." Said a different Dean. This one was pinned to the wall by an angry looking Cas. Cas had a leg shoved between Dean's thighs and a gun pressed to Dean's chest. That Dean pushed at the angry looking Cas. "You think maybe we can settle up later?"

The angry looking Cas squinted around the room at everyone. "Yes." He said in a heavy Russian accent.

"You know, I gotta say, I think your idea is way more fun than what I had planned for today." Said another Dean.

Dean turned around to find himself again but with two black eyes and carrying two severed legs and piñata under his arms.  


	5. Punk!Cas

Cas liked to pride himself on taking most things in stride. He was a fucking saint for taking this in stride. He gave a cursory search for pants and found none. He did however find a huge mountain of gold coins in the corner.

"What is going on?" His chronically nerdy boyfriend asked.

Cas shrugged at him. "I think this is more your realm of expertise." He waved a hand at his older doppelgangers and Dean's older clones.

"How is this my realm of expertise?" Dean asked baffled.

"Mysterious purple smoke and treasure and stuff." Cas said. He waved at the pile of gold coins. He squinted at the large garage bay doors. "I'm pretty sure there was a dragon too."

"Hey, I think, uh, other me is trying to explain." Dean said.

"See? It's your area of expertise." Cas teased. He spotted an old blanket on a bench and tossed it over to his more modest boyfriend.

The one of the older Deans was standing in the middle of the garage. He cleared his throat again.

"So, I brought you all here from your own realities to uh...okay, so..." The older Dean started. "...uh...well..." His eyes shot over to the pile of gold coins. "Who wants to make some money?"

"Doing what?" A sketchy looking Dean asked.

Cas looked him over. Sketchy was a good look on Dean.

"Uh...well..." The Dean that was standing in the centre of the garage said. He shrugged. "Porn."

Two women laughed off to the side.

"Right. Of course. Porn." One of the women said. "Why else would a guy be using a teleporter and cloning himself."

Another Dean holding a piñata and what Cas was pretty sure were two severed legs leered at the Dean talking in the centre of the garage. "You don't need to pay me. You're a handsome devil."

"...this is nuts." Another Dean. "What did I do? Get sent to Hell early?"

"How much?" One of the naked Dean's said. He was with an older naked Cas.

Cas eyed his older self appreciatively. At least he knew he'd age well.

"However much you can carry home." The Dean standing in the middle of the garage said.

The naked Dean tilted his head, seriously considering the offer.

The older naked Cas stared at him. "You can't be serious."

The naked Dean shrugged. "Gold is always a good investment, Jimmy."

Cas arched an eyebrow. _Jimmy?_ Did older him finally get sick of spelling out Castiel for people?

"You know, he has a point." His Dean said. "It could help with student loans."

"Huh?" Cas stared in surprise. Was his chronically nerdy boyfriend suggesting what he thought he was suggesting?

"How do we know this is real?" The older naked Cas who was calling himself Jimmy asked.

"Well if it's not real it won't hurt to do it." His Dean said. "But if it is real then you get the gold."

"Yeah." The Dean standing in the middle of the garage said. "What he said...what I said."

"Oh this is definitely real." The Dean with the severed legs said.

"Great." Muttered the Dean who was getting railed by some older guy. "It's like that dream where you go to school naked."

The Dean with the severed legs tossed them aside. "Okay, I'll marshal the Deans if you figure out who else is on board." He pointed at the sketchy looking Dean in the corner. "You look like you're thinking about ripping him off. Why not get some action first?"

The sketchy Dean leaned back. He elbowed an older Cas that kind of looked like he might murder people for a living. Cas would be lying if he didn't think it was just a little bit hot if terrifying.

Murder-Cas squinted at the Dean who thought severed legs were normal. He leaned down and whispered to Sketchy Dean. They had a quick conversation that was half whispering and half exaggerated hand motions.

Sketchy Dean licked his lips and nodded. He turned back to the other Dean. "Alright."

There was a tap on Cas's elbow. Cas turned around to see his Dean making all sorts of strange faces at him.

"I'm not sure what any of that is supposed to mean." Cas said.

His Dean sighed, exasperated, and rolled his eyes. "It's supposed to mean, what do you think?" He cast a look behind them to the pile of gold coins. "...it's a lot of gold. We could get a lot of money for it. And if this is an alternate universe it's not like we'd have a porn video lurking around in our closet waiting for someone to blackmail us when we become president or whatever."

Cas bit his lip and looked around the room. Sure, maybe everyone might be about ten years older than them but they were all kind of hot. Objectively speaking. It wasn't like he was biased.


	6. Jimmy Novak

Jimmy hadn't signed up for some weird all Dean orgy in an alternate dimension. He should have known something was up the moment the well-dressed businessman had said his name was Dean Smith. Because Dean _Smith?_ Right. That was such a fake name.

He extracted himself from the weirdness and found a pair of oil stained coveralls then ditched the Deans. He headed outside only to run into another Dean with a group of kids.

This Dean narrowed his eyes at him suspiciously.

"I'm gonna take a stab in the dark and guess you're not my neighbour." The Dean said.

"No." Jimmy said. He would have noticed if his one night stand lived beside him.

Their strange standoff was interrupted by two of the children surrounding Dean.

"It's the dinosaur ladies!" A boy about ten and a girl about eight yelled.

Jimmy turned around to see the two women that had been in the garage hurrying out.

"Kinda wish a guy that didn't look exactly like my uncle was in there." One of them said.

"I could have stayed." The other said.

"But then who would help me catch our runaways?" The first one said. "I swear they're worse than kangaroos."

"Can we help?" The two children asked.

The second woman looked them over and said, "No." Just as the first woman said, "Sure."

They glared at each other.

"They're just juveniles. They haven't even got their adult teeth yet." The first woman said. She turned to the kids. "I'm keeper Meg. And that's keeper Eve."

The children all eagerly volunteered their names.

Dean looked on nervous. He sidled up closer to Eve. "They aren't dangerous are they?"

Eve rolled her head from side to side. "There's always someone claiming velociraptors ate their dog but mostly they just knock over people's garbage cans. And these ones are hand reared. So they're used to people."

"Alright, so our two escapees are called Sam and Dean." Meg said.

Jimmy snorted. Of course one of the 'dinosaurs' were called _Dean._

Meg shot him a defiant look. "You gonna help out or sit at the back of the class and pretend you're funny?"

Jimmy startled. "Uh..." There was a crash from inside the garage. He heard someone groan that sounded suspiciously like himself. He shivered. He looked back to Meg and Eve. "Sure."

"So how do you catch baby dinosaurs?" Dean asked.

"Mostly by luck." Eve said.

Jimmy listened intently as he was given a crash course on how to catch a juvenile velociraptor like dinosaurs were completely normal.


	7. Soulless Sam

"Uh, Bobby?"

"Hmm?" Bobby didn't look up from his book.

Sam picked at the blinds, making sure he wasn't seeing things. He didn't think hallucinations were a part of being soulless.

"It looks like Dean made up with Cas." Sam said.

"Hmmm." Bobby muttered. He turned the page of his book.

Sam stared out the window puzzled. "And then they kidnapped six kids, Meg, some weird looking turkeys, and...I think that's Eve."

"Hmmm." Bobby said. His fingers slid up to turn the page again. They froze. He looked up. "What the hell are you talking about?"

Sam pointed out the window. Meg and the kids started chasing after one of the weird looking turkeys.

Bobby darted out of his chair. He could move pretty fast for an old guy when he wanted. He elbowed past Sam to look out the window. "What the..."

Sam shrugged. Sometimes it was really cool not having a soul. He could honestly say he wasn't surprised or concerned that Dean was apparently starting a daycare centre that featured Meg and Eve as supervisors and kept weird looking turkeys.

Bobby, however, _did_ care. He marched across the living room and out the front door. Sam followed because this was probably going to be hilarious.

"Dean!" Bobby shouted.

Dean turned around. Sam had a strange moment where his brain started feeding him conflicting information because that was definitely Dean but it was also definitely not Dean. He wondered if a shapeshifter had messed up and shaved a few years off his Dean impersonation.

"Uh, yeah? Hi?" Dean said.

Bobby motioned to the kids racing around the junkyard. "Dean, wha—"

One of the weird looking turkeys darted out from under a rusting truck and launched itself at Bobby.

Bobby yelled and flailed his arms. The weird looking turkey screeched and flapped its clawed wings.

"Bad Dean!" Meg shouted. She darted over and grabbed the weird turkey. She pulled it off Bobby. It made a sort of hissing squawking sound and nuzzled into Meg's chest. Meg rolled her eyes. "Oh, right. Now I'm your favourite."

"...the weird turkey's name is Dean?" Sam asked, barely keeping his laughter under wraps.

"They're raptors." Meg said, haughtily. The 'raptor' in her arms looked over its shoulder and made a clicking noise at him. Meg pet its head. "Yeah, you tell him, Dean."

Sam chuckled. Meg had a weird looking turkey and she'd named it Dean. He was never going to let Dean live that down.

Eve scooped up the other weird looking turkey.

Sam grinned. "Please tell me that one is named Castiel."

"His name is Sam." Eve said.

"Like Sam!" One of the kids yelped. He pointed towards one of the other kids.

Sam's mouth dropped open in surprise as a ten year old him beamed at the idea of having a weird turkey named after him.

"Bobby, why is there a ten year old me in your junkyard?" Sam asked.

"That's a damn good question." Bobby

Castiel - who Sam was starting to suspect wasn't Castiel because he was wearing Bobby's greasy coveralls - raised his hand. "Apparently there was a spell."

Sam recognized the voice immediately. It was too light and easy to be Castiel. It had to be Jimmy Novak.

"A spell." Bobby said, unimpressed.

"Yeah." Jimmy said. He looked over his shoulder nervously. "A different Dean seemed like he needed some... _help_ with something and summoned himself from a bunch of alternate universes? I think that was what the group consensus was."

"Where is he?" Bobby demanded.

Jimmy pointed towards the garage. "But I don't think you want to go in there."

"Yeah, dude." The Not-Dean said. "Things are kinda R rated in there."

Bobby scowled at them both and marched towards the garage.

"Can we get a couple bowls of water?" Meg asked. She hefted the turkey thing in her arms. "These two really worked themselves up."

"Yeah. Sure." Sam said. Because why not? Why not invite the weird turkey things inside and take a bunch of pictures as proof that Meg had named a weird looking turkey after Dean?

Sam started towards the house but stopped. He'd forgotten about the herd of children the Not-Dean had with him. Jimmy's explanation at least made the presence of his ten year old self make a bit more sense.

"Uh...do any of you kids need to eat?" Sam asked. "We've got about a dozen pies and enough ice cream for everyone to have their own pint."

The kids all looked to Not-Dean and pleaded. Not-Dean looked around the junkyard. He looked at the weird turkey things and then over his shoulder at the garage. "Yeah. Okay."

Bobby came marching back. His face was beat red.

"What happened?" Sam asked.

"I told you it was R rated, dude." Not-Dean said.


	8. Demon!Dean

Dean could honestly say this was the best idea he had ever had even if it was a different him that had had it. His eyes flicked over everyone present, scanning souls for anything interesting.

There was a him and a human Cas - who was Russian? - standing off to one side plotting how they'd steal everything. Those two would probably be fun, their souls were just dark enough that they'd probably gleefully cross the line between pleasure and pain.

There was another human him and human Cas combo dickering over whether porn in an alternate universe would destroy their future careers. That Dean's soul looked deliciously innocent and naïve. It made his eyes turn black just thinking about all the terrible things he could do to him. And that Cas had a wild streak through his soul that his own universe's Cas would probably faint over. He licked his lips. He wouldn't mind tag teaming that innocent Dean with that Cas.

The Dean that had showed up with Azazel - fucking Azazel of all people - was still complaining about knots and the repercussions of screwing roommates. Dean wasn't sure what the hell that was about but from the vague descriptions he was staring to think he might want to get himself some weirdo cock at some point just to see what it was about...or maybe stuff one of these knot things into that innocent Dean...

His eyes flicked over to the Dean that had appeared with Jimmy Novak. He was busy poking at the gold coins. Despite the carefully self-controlled exterior he could see the gluttony and lust aching to get out of that one.

He glanced over at the maybe Russian Cas in the corner then the wild tattooed Cas and had some very dirty and detailed thoughts about what they could all do to the carefully self-controlled Dean.

"Hey." The Dean that had summoned them waved his hand in front of his face. "You still with me?"

Dean let his eyes go black again. He smirked. "Yeah. Just thinking of all the ways I can be with me."

The Dean that had summoned them looked like he wanted to take a step back and maybe suggest he just hold the camera instead.

Dean laughed and blinked the darkness out of his eyes. There were all these really interesting versions of himself and the one that had summoned them was just oozing sappy unrequited love and pining. That wouldn't be fun at all.

"Where's your Cas?" Dean asked.

Pining Dean sighed. "He won't talk to me."

"So you're making revenge porn?" Dean wasn't sure how that would work. His own universe's Cas would probably just be put-out and prudish about porn rather than jealous.

"It's not revenge porn." Pining Dean said adamantly. "I'm trying to make something that will impress him."

"Oh. I get it." Dean said. He waved at all the Dean's. "It's _look what you're missing out on_ porn."

"No." Pining Dean said.

It totally was. Dean grinned at him. "Whatever you say, buddy."

A spark caught his eye. He turned his head to see the last Dean present. That Dean had a demon contract written all over his soul. He licked his lips. He remembered being that Dean; the desperation and the drive to cram every scrap of living he could into one year.

He pushed past Pining Dean. "You get a couple of cameras rolling. I'll write us a cheesy script and director's notes."

He left Pining Dean standing disgruntled in the middle of the garage and sidled up beside the Dean that had sold his soul. He smiled wickedly. "So, how long do you got?"

"What?" Sold his soul Dean asked nervously.

"You sold your soul." Dean said. He reached out and trailed a hand along Dean's arm. "I can see it."

Sold his soul Dean jerked back. He narrowed his eyes at Dean. "...you're a demon."

Dean grinned. "So pretty close if you're starting to see through the veil." He stepped in close and slung an arm around Dean's shoulders. "Let me tell you a thing or two about Hell."

He steered Dean away, intent on telling him that he could either suffer for decades or he could just embrace it and become this hot piece of ass that didn't give two shits what other people thought or did.

Instead he bumped into Innocent Dean.

He grinned wickedly at him. Maybe he could talk Sold his soul Dean into trying out some terrible things with Innocent Dean.

Innocent Dean was staring at him curiously. He looked between him and the other Dean. Wild Cas came up beside him. Innocent Dean shuffled closer to him.

Dean bit his lip. He really needed in on that.

"Are you really a demon?" Innocent Dean asked.

"Yeah." Dean said. "Best life choice I made in a while."

Wild Cas squinted at him. Apparently that was one thing that didn't change across universes. "Yeah right. You're just messing with us because of all of..." He motioned to the garage. " _This."_

"He is." Sold his soul Dean said.

Wild Cas looked between them. He crossed his tattoo covered arms. "Prove it."

Dean grinned. He darted forward and shoved Wild Cas against a work bench. He let his eyes turn black. He laughed and pressed himself up against Wild Cas. He planted his hand on Wild Cas's bare chest and plucked all the fun places on Cas's soul.

Cas groaned. His hips bucked up. He grabbed a fistful of Dean's shirt and smashed his lips against Dean's. Dean jammed his tongue into Cas's mouth and worked his tricks on Cas's soul again. Cas's hips thrashed forward. He let out a breathy whine and went limp.  

Dean stepped back and chuckled to himself. "Man, I wish Cas from my world would take that stick out of his ass." He turned around to see Sold his soul Dean and Innocent Dean staring at him. "What?"

Innocent Dean turned red. Sold his soul Dean made that constipated _I like dudes but absolutely no one is allowed to know_ face.

He winked at Innocent Dean and did the finger guns at him. "Don't worry there's more than enough to go around." He sidled back up to Sold his soul Dean. He wrapped an arm around his waist. "It's totally not gay if you're fucking yourself. Right?"


	9. Dragon Dean

Rawr! Hiss! Rawr!

Hiss! Rawr! Screech! Rawr!

Click? Click.

Rawr!


	10. Russian Mafia Castiel

Americans, Castiel had decided long ago, were far too extravagant for their own good. Who flaunted wealth like this? No one in their right mind in Russia would keep a pile of gold coins on the floor of a garage where just anyone could walk in and take it.

"I'm thinking fifty-fifty split." Dean said.

Castiel raised an eyebrow and looked at Dean.

"Forty-sixty." Dean said.

Castiel continued to stare.

Dean chewed his lip. "Thirty-seventy?"

Castiel turned back to the gold. He still had to work through the logistics of removing it. He glanced around the garage. And the logistics of returning home from wherever this was. The explanation offered, a summoning spell, was the only reasonable explanation he could believe. Since he highly doubted the petty thug that kept encroaching on his territory had the resources or the knowledge to clone himself.

Or him.

He turned to eye a younger looking version of himself across the garage. The younger version of him was surrounded by three Deans. He shivered. Not at all in jealousy. It was anger. Anger at seeing _more_ of his minor annoyance that he always seemed to let get away.

"...are you actually thinking about helping them with their freaky clone porno?" Dean teased.

Castiel huffed. Maybe he should. He could get it out of his system and finally dispose of the man that kept ruining his plans. "Perhaps."

Dean made a strangled noise. Castiel turned around. Dean was giving him a burning look. Castiel's chest tightened at the memory of finally catching up to Dean a few minutes ago. He'd had his gun shoved into Dean's chest but he'd also had his thigh wedged between his legs, rubbing up and down.

It occurred to him that maybe he had been sparing Dean this past year because he had thought he'd never get to act upon that desire. He hadn't thought the feeling was mutual. He had always assumed that their competitors relationship would end with a gun. He'd never thought there might be something more interesting before the guns came out.

He looked over his shoulder at the other Deans. He looked back to the Dean he had several stacks of thick files on. He tapped his finger on his leg. Yes, he'd take part in this ridiculous extravagant film, explore his pent up desires, make Dean help him steal the gold and find a way home, then shoot him in the head and toss his body in the harbour.

Castiel made a soft sound of agreement with his own thoughts. That would be the best course of action.

"You're fantasizing about murdering me aren't you?" Dean asked.

"No." Castiel said. He motioned to the mound of gold. "We'll need a truck."


	11. Nerd!Dean

Dean's heart was still hammering from watching his boyfriend make out with an older, hotter, more confident version of himself. Actually, no matter where he looked there were older, hotter, more confident versions of himself.

It wasn't fair.

Why was he the only one with glasses and baby fat? Even that Dean that had shown up with all the kids and then took off had looked like he had more confidence in himself than he did.

"Right. So..." The Dean that had summoned them all said. He looked around the room. He worked his jaw like he was physically chewing on his thoughts. Even that was hot. "...I turned the cameras on...I guess, uh, well..."

Nobody moved.

As far as Dean could tell everybody left in the garage had agreed to filming and having sex on the assortment of blow up furniture (Dean was impressed by whoever had thought of that. Blow up furniture would probably be easier to clean afterwards).

The Dean that claimed to be a demon groaned in exasperation. "Do I have to do everything myself?"

The next thing Dean knew Demon Dean had grabbed his hand and was tugging him towards an older version of Cas that looked like he murdered people for a living.

Demon Dean dropped Dean's hand. He grabbed the older Cas - who was still fully clothed - and shoved him down onto a purple blow up chair.

The older Cas growled something in Russian and glared at Demon Dean.

"Dude." One of the older Dean's said. "I wouldn't do that if I were you. He's got a hit count in the triple digits."

Demon Dean laughed. "Then he's got a long way to go before he catches up to me." He spun around and grabbed Dean. He pulled him forward, tugged the old blanket from around Dean's shoulders, and then pushed him down into Russian Cas's lap.

Russian Cas grunted. Dean froze against the long hard lines of the older Cas's chest. It wasn't like his own Cas was pudgy, far from it, but the Cas he was sitting on felt like he'd been made out of stone.

Then Demon Dean sunk to his knees in front of him. He trailed his hands along Dean's thighs and gently pushed them apart. Dean gulped. He trembled with nerves. Was this other him really going to do what he thought he was going to do?

Demon Dean leaned in and licked a long line up his cock. Dean groaned. Demon Dean bent down and sucked his soft cock into his mouth. Dean's hands shot out, one grabbing Russian Cas's arm and the other groping for purchase on the blow up chair.

"Oh fuck." Dean whimpered. He heard another Dean whispered the same sentiment.

Demon Dean chuckled around his hardening cock. He pressed Dean's trembling thighs further apart. Dean squirmed in Russian Cas's lap. There were hot puffs of breath on his neck that made him shiver. He startled when two strong hands slid over his sides to his hips and held him in place. He squirmed harder and desperately tried to thrust his hips when Russian Cas leaned forward and dragged his teeth over his ear.

Demon Dean's mouth was suddenly gone from his cock. He glanced down to see Demon Dean suck a finger into his mouth. Dean heaved in a breath. Russian Cas let go of his hips and turned his head towards him for a kiss.

Dean moaned into his mouth as Demon Dean swallowed his cock down and sunk his finger into his ass at the same time. Dean's hips bucked up. Demon Dean didn't seem to care at all. He only sucked harder and bobbed his head faster.

Dean thrust down onto Demon Dean's finger. He gasped when Russian Cas's hands started roving over his chest and playing with his nipples. He let out a high pitched squeak when Demon Dean took his finger out of his ass only to shove two back in.

He could feel his orgasm building up low in his gut. He forced his eyes open to find Cas. _His Cas._ He found him a few feet away, his eyes blazing with lust as he casually fisted his cock.

Dean shivered thinking about that cock. He dragged his bottom lip through his teeth. What if later on his Cas and Russian Cas fucked him? Dean's hips thrashed up at the thought. Demon Dean jerked back so only the head of Dean's cock was in his mouth. Dean didn't care as he emptied himself out into Demon Dean's mouth; gasping Cas's name and swearing.

Demon Dean sucked him through it until Dean was a shivering mess. Demon Dean let Dean's cock slide from his mouth. He surged to his feet and leaned in past Dean to kiss Russian Cas.

Dean watched in wide-eyed shock as an older him and Cas made out; _his_ come dripping from their lips.

Demon Dean licked Russian Cas's face clean then turned his head to kiss Dean. Demon Dean's tongue probed at his lips. Dean opened his mouth and let him in. He could taste the remnants of his come covering Demon Dean's tongue.

Demon Dean pulled back. He tapped Dean on the nose and grinned. "I'll be back for that ass later." Then he scooped Dean up and deposited him on a pink blow up mattress. He grabbed Russian Cas by the shirt and hauled him up. "Now that you're warmed up."

Dean laid on the pink blow up mattress in a boneless lump. He watched lazily as Demon Dean dragged Russian Cas towards another Dean, pausing long enough to grab _his Cas_ and pull him along.


	12. Dean Smith

Dean Smith was all about calculated risk. Picking up a guy in a bar while he was out on a business trip in another city was as low risk as he could get. Jimmy had seemed nice and clean and most importantly discreet.

He really didn't need it getting around in the office that sometimes he fucked guys.

And then his nice discreet one night stand had magically teleported itself into some random ass garage with a bunch of people that looked exactly like him or close enough.

Really he should have just demanded to be sent home but the pile of gold coins in the corner looked legit and the economy wasn't a sure thing these days. One adult film made for private purposes in an alternate dimension wasn't likely to get around back home. Even if it did he could easily deny it and sue for slander. He'd just claim that all the actors were lookalikes and the video had been made specifically to ruin his name. No one would believe that he'd filmed an adult video with five people that looked exactly like him.

All that reasoning was going up in flames as he watched a man that looked exactly like him and claimed he was a demon prowl up to him with two men in tow that looked almost identical to Jimmy Novak but claimed to be named Cas and Castiel. Except Cas was covered in bug tattoos and Castiel had a ruthless glint in his eyes that Jimmy Novak never did.

Demon Dean leaned in and whispered something to Castiel. Castiel murmured something back and shot a look over his shoulder to another Dean that was staring on in jealousy. Castiel smirked.

Dean Smith bit his lip then stopped himself. He really needed to break the habit before winter.

Castiel reached over and grabbed Cas. He trailed his hands up and down his sides. He slide his hand up to tilt Cas's head up. He kissed Cas slow and thorough.

Cas let out a soft, " _Oh."_ when Castiel pulled back.

Castiel had a smug little smirk on his face that disappeared into shock when Cas launched himself at him. Castiel stumbled backwards as Cas groped his sides, tugged at his hair, and jammed his tongue into his mouth.

Dean Smith didn't think it looked particularly pleasant but there was definitely something to say for watching two versions of Jimmy Novak make out with each other.

"Pretty hot, huh?" Demon Dean said.

Dean Smith jumped. He'd forgotten about Demon Dean. He played it cool. "Yeah."

Demon Dean arched an eyebrow at him, "Just _yeah?"_ He motioned towards Cas and Castiel.

Cas and Castiel's make out session had turned into heavy petting while Cas unbuttoned Castiel's pants.

"That is objectively the hottest thing happening in this room right now." Demon Dean said. He swivelled around until he caught sight of that other Dean and some guy named Azazel still off in a corner having some kind of weird slow sex. "Well, except for maybe whatever it is they're doing...I'm gonna have to investigate that later."

Dean Smith glanced over. Whatever it was they were doing didn't look that good to him. "Whatever floats your boat."

Demon Dean grinned at him. "I'm thinking right now _you_ float my boat."

Dean Smith huffed a laugh. "That was the worst pickup line I've ever heard."

"Well, I happen to know that you're easy." Demon Dean said. He stepped in close to Dean Smith. "I'm you after all. Just without all the boring bits like restraint and self-control." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a bottle of lube. "So? What do you say? You wanna fuck me while those two worship your body?"

Before Dean Smith could say a word Demon Dean was stripping off his clothes and leaving them in a heap on the floor. Demon Dean reached out and grabbed Dean Smith's tie. He pulled him forward until he could grind their hips together. He snaked a hand between them and groped Dean Smith's cock.

"Live a little." Demon Dean said. He took a step back flicked the cap off the bottle of lube. He squirted out a dollop and then unceremoniously turned around and shoved two fingers up his ass. He craned his head over his shoulder and winked. "You know you want it."

Dean Smith quickly went over the pros and cons of the situation again. "Fuck it." He pulled at his tie and started undoing the buttons of his shirt.

"Man, if only you had a trench coat." Demon Dean said as he industriously fucked back on his own fingers.

"What?" Dean Smith asked. He stepped out of his pants then folded them up.

"Never mind." Demon Dean said. "Just get over here."

Dean Smith finished folding up his clothes. He watched Demon Dean for a moment before getting close enough to touch. He tried not to hesitate as he reached out. Demon Dean didn't feel any different from a regular person.

"I don't bite." Demon Dean said. He moved over to a work bench. He planted his hands on it and stuck his ass out. He laughed to himself. "Okay, well, I do, but in a good way." He craned his head over shoulder again. He slapped his ass. "Come on. It's not like there's a height requirement for this ride."

Dean Smith reached for his cock. His hand was batted away. Castiel's hand wrapped around it instead. Two more hands slid over the mounds of his ass and kneaded. Cas mouthed at the back of his neck. Castiel kissed along his jaw, dragging lips and tongue, until he found his mouth.

They shuffled him forward until Castiel was guiding his cock into Demon Dean's ass.


	13. Season 3 Dean

Dean watched two guys help two different Deans fuck each other. From what he could tell everyone there seemed to know who the two dark haired twins were supposed to be.

"I did not realize until right now how bad I wanted that cock." A Dean to his left said.

Another Dean sighed. "I know, right?"

Dean gulped when one of the dark haired guys slid to his knees and buried his face in that other Dean's ass. He spun around and started for the garage bay door. He'd been terrified at first that he'd died and gone to Hell early and that if he left Bobby's garage there'd only be fire and pain on the other side. Now he was just freaking out a bit and super uncomfortable.

He was going to take his chances. Outside. He strode out of Bobby's garage into the sunlit junkyard.

Nothing horrible happened.

A hopeful little smile broke out onto his face. He jogged up the stairs to Bobby's house. The smile dropped from his face. Maybe this was Bobby's house but the place was full of kids, a bunch of people he'd never met before, and...two giant birds?

Bobby stumped up to the door. "You our Dean?"

Dean looked around the house. He shook his head. "I'm gonna guess no."

"Hmpf." Bobby muttered. "Well that's good for you because as soon as I see our Dean he's getting an ass kicking."

Dean broke out in a laugh, glad to see that Bobby was a cranky old bastard in any reality.

"Well, come on." Bobby waved him inside. "I'm sure you'll be glad to know there's about a dozen different pies in the kitchen."

"Sweet." Dean bounced along behind him. He stopped dead in his tracks when he got to the kitchen. There was Sam; older with goofier longer hair. But there was also Sam; the snot nose kid he used to look out for. "Sam?"

The older Sam and the kid both looked towards him. Then a giant bird thing darted out from under the table and head butted him in the stomach. Dean plunked to the floor with a groan.

Older Sam laughed.

"This is getting ridiculous." Bobby said. "Every time we saw their names they launch themselves at someone."

A weird looking feathery face nuzzled against Dean's.

"No. This is great." Older Sam said. He snapped his fingers and held out a piece of pie on a fork. "Dean!"

Another giant bird thing dashed into the kitchen. It bolted over to Older Sam. Before it could snag the morsel of pie off the fork Older Sam tossed it onto Dean's stomach.

The second giant bird smashed it's snout into Dean's stomach.

Dean grunted in pain then pushed the giant bird things off. "What the hell, Bobby?" He motioned at the two giant bird things now wrestling on the floor. "Are you breeding cockatrices or something now?"

"They're _velociraptors."_ Kid Sam said, exasperated.

Dean arched an eyebrow. "Velociraptors? Aren't they supposed to be...bigger?"

Kid Sam rolled his eyes. He went back to eating a bowl of ice cream.

A woman with dark hair walked in and made a clicking noise. The _velociraptors_ tumbled off each other and started making exciting squeaking noises. Dean snorted. So much for scary apex predator.

"They won't get much bigger." The woman said. "But they'll fill out a bit." She looked up and grinned at him. "Let me guess, you're Dean, right?"

Dean put his hands up in mock surrender. "Yeah. You got me." He stood up and dusted himself off. "Didn't catch your name before you fled the awkward situation back there."

"Meg." She said.

"She's an alternate universe zoo keeper Meg." Older Sam said.

"What?" Dean asked confused.

"Demon Meg." Older Sam said, nonchalant.

Dean jumped back.

"Why does everyone keep doing that?" Meg asked.

Dean started to say, _because you're a black eyed demonic bitch,_ but there were tiny ears around and he'd had it ingrained in his head for decades not to swear in front of Kid Sam.

"Relax, the mutant turkeys are more dangerous than she is." Older Sam said.

"Raptors." Kid Sam corrected.

Older Sam shrugged.

Dean looked around the kitchen. There were Sams that weren't really Sam and a Bobby and a Meg that weren't really Bobby or Meg and out in the living room there were a bunch of other kids and he could hear his own voice. He shrugged. He had a couple weeks left to live. He grabbed a fork and an entire pie and sat down at the table between Older Sam and Kid Sam.


	14. Jimmy Novak

Jimmy crept out of the house. The scene inside was getting weird in a different way. There was a kid in there who swore up and down that he was her father and that he had been married to a woman named Amelia and that she'd died a few years ago. But his wife hadn't died a few years ago because he had never been married in his life.  

It got super awkward when the little girl had started to cry and then one of the Deans had swooped in and told her it was all going to be fine. Then that weird guy named Sam had come in and shoved a bunch of ice cream and pie at her and looked relieved when she had stopped crying in favour of stuffing her face with desserts.

And the weird guy was apparently an older version of the kid that liked the dinosaurs.

Jimmy figured the porch was probably safe from freaky alternate universe stuff.

He sat down on the steps and started fiddling with the coveralls. The arms and legs were too long. He rolled all the cuffs back. He wiggled his bare toes. He really needed to ask someone about shoes. There was probably all sorts of dangerous stuff on the ground, it was a junkyard after all.

He jerked his head up when he heard something skitter through the stacks of cars. He narrowed his eyes at the cars. There was another skittering noise. He sighed one of the dinosaur bird things had probably got out again.

He glanced back at the door expecting Meg or Eve to come bursting out with a gaggle of excited children chasing after them but the door stayed closed.

He sighed. He stood up. "Sam! Dean! Come!"

He felt like an idiot calling to dinosaurs like dogs but Meg and Eve had said there wasn't much difference.

Nothing in the junkyard moved. He sighed. He stood up to go back into the house and tell Meg and Eve that their creatures had taken off again.

He had his hand on the doorknob when a large black shadow fell over him. He let out a shout when something caught him around the waist and heaved him off the ground.

Jimmy was tucked in close to a huge heaving body as he watched Bobby's house disappear below him. He squeezed his eyes shut and clung on for dear life.

He yelped when he was suddenly dropped. He winced, excepting the rush of wind and his eventual death by splattering. Instead he hit the ground two seconds later. A huge warm snout pushed at his arm.

He opened his eyes to find a dragon - or maybe a dinosaur? - staring down at him. It made a snorting sound and nudged his arm again. Jimmy slowly raised his hand. The dragon made a chuffing noise and pushed against it.

Jimmy hesitantly started to scratch along an eyebrow ridge. The dragon made the chuffing sound again.

"Oookay..." Jimmy wasn't quite sure what was going on but honestly he wasn't surprised that he'd been kidnapped by a dragon. Today had been weird enough.

The dragon made more happy noises then curled his body around Jimmy, carefully keeping his head in good scratching distance.

Jimmy looked around. He was in an abandoned factory, as far as he could tell, and he was sitting on top of what appeared to be a small mountain of money in bills and coins.

"Huh. So that was probably your pile of gold coins in the garage." Jimmy said. The dragon made a _huuf_ noise and nosed him again. Jimmy scratched higher up.


	15. Soulless Sam

"Has anyone seen Jimmy?" The Dean with all the kids asked.

Sam snorted. Even in universes where Cas didn't really exist Dean was trying to find him. "I think he went outside a little while ago."

The younger of the two Deans wrinkled his nose. "You think he went out to that—" He glanced down at Kid Sam. He looked back to Sam. " _Hmmm?"_

Sam shrugged. "Beats me." He scooped up a spoonful of ice cream. He shot younger Dean a shit eating grin. "Maybe you should go back in there and find out."

Younger Dean scowled at him.

Bobby stomped into the kitchen. "Okay. I think I figured out how to send everyone home."

"Great." Sam said. He wasn't too fond of all the kids. They were okay when they were eating so much pie and ice cream they couldn't get two words in but it turned out that eating that much pie and ice cream tended to make kids sick.

He did however like the mutant turkeys. Maybe he could talk Meg and Eve into leaving those behind.

"So what do we need?" Sam asked.

Bobby scratched his chin. "A lot of hard to find stuff."

"Of course." Sam said. When was a spell to get out of trouble ever easy? "So where are we headed?"

" _We_ aren't headed anywhere. _You're_ going to keep an eye on the sideshow." Bobby said. " _I'm_ going to track down what we need."

"What?" Sam didn't think he could feel betrayal without a soul but apparently there was no soul required for that feeling. "I'm not staying behind. Half the kids are whining about stomach aches."

The Dean with the kids rolled his eyes. "And whose fault is that?"

Sam scowled at him then turned that scowl on Bobby. "I'm not a babysitter."

"Half of protecting witnesses is babysitting." Bobby scoffed.

"You know, I don't have a soul right now. I wouldn't feel bad about murder." Sam pointed out.

Bobby made an exasperated noise. "Great. Start with your idiot brother." He paused. He narrowed his eyes at Sam. He stabbed a finger at him. "Don't you dare go on a murder spree while I'm gone, boy."

"I'll watch him." The younger Dean offered.

Bobby looked between them. He shook his head. He grabbed his jacket off the back of a chair and tugged it on. "Alright. No murdering while I'm gone."

Sam rolled his eyes. Younger Dean nodded gravely.

"And stop feeding the kids pie and ice cream. They'll rot their teeth out." Bobby said sternly. He started for the door, shaking his head at the rules he'd just laid down.

"Soulies." Sam muttered.


	16. Alpha Azazel

"So...this is kind of awkward, right?" Dean asked. He squirmed in Azazel's lap, pushing the knot in further.

Azazel looked around the room. There were two Dean frantically making out with each other on a blue blow up mattress, one Dean madly pounding into another Dean while in turn getting fucked by a far more adventurous version of their neighbour the hall neighbour while a second version of their neighbour watched and jerked off, and a final Dean sitting awkwardly on a pink blow up mattress like he wasn't sure what to do.

"A little." Azazel said. He eased his hips back. His knot tugged at Dean's rim. He still wasn't going anywhere.

"Dude, what is up with the marathon knotting?" Dean complained. He squeezed his ass around Azazel's knot.

Azazel rocked his hips up. "I think I've discovered an exhibitionist kink."

Dean snorted in amusement. "Sure it's not just a Dean orgy kink?"

"Maybe." Azazel said wryly. "Though I think an orgy of Deans would make for a terrible roommate." He laughed to himself. " _An orgy of Deans."_

"What?"

"Up until today I wouldn't have thought to use _an orgy_ as the Dean collective noun." Azazel chuckled. He thrust up twice in sharp jerky movements then tried to slowly ease his knot out. He wasn't even coming anymore. His knot just refused to go down. "Maybe a nostalgia of Deans. Or an eighties of Deans."

Dean huffed. "I'll have you know I'm a great roommate. You make fun of my music but I still do the dishes."

"Alright. You're one of the better roommates I've had." Azazel worked his hand between them. He couldn't quite reach. He pushed Dean forward gently until he was on his hands and knees again. "And I would have said that before you waltz into my bedroom and asked if I wanted to-" He stopped to chuckle. "-how did you put it?"

"Platonically knot my tight alpha ass." Dean supplied.

Azazel chortled. He licked his fingers and then reached down to press against Dean's rim, trying to stretch him open enough to let his knot out.

Dean made a breathy noise when Azazel started to push the tip of a finger inside. "I'm starting to think if this is a regular thing maybe I should invest in some thicker plugs."

"Or maybe in the future we could not be magically teleported into alternate universes." Azazel suggested. "It's just a thought."

"Yeah." Dean agreed. "Let's not do that part again." Dean wiggled his ass back against Azazel's fingers. "At least I hadn't come yet."

"That would have been a hair more awkward in a room full of people." Azazel said as he finally managed to slide two fingers in alongside his cock. He pumped them in and out until he could slide them in without effort. "Alright. Let's try this again."

Azazel pulled back as Dean pulled forward. Dean's rim stretched wider and wider as Azazel's knot slowly slid out.


	17. Criminal Dean

Dean yelped in surprise as the blow up mattress bounced him up. A hand shoved between him and the blow up mattress and wrapped around his hip. He was unceremoniously yanked backwards against a hard cock.

He twisted his upper half around to find Dean grinning at him. His eyes flicked around the room quickly trying to pin down which Dean it was.

"Oh, so you finally finished having your super slow marathon sex?" Dean teased.

"Hey, if I knew I was about to be transported to the world's worst thought out porno I would have made him pull out." The new Dean said.

"Hey!" The Dean he'd been making out with growled. "I spent four hours thinking about this and planning it."

"Four hours." Dean laughed. "Yeah, that sounds like us."

"So is this the make out corner or are we going to do something more fun?" The new Dean asked.

Dean twisted back around to look at his make out partner. "Yeah? I thought you wanted to fuck yourself."

Make out partner Dean pouted at him. "I was getting there."

"Great." The new Dean said. He reached around Dean to get at the other Dean and unbuckle his pants.

Dean got his own belt undone. He squirmed out from between the Deans to shuck his own pants. A shadow fell over him. He looked up to see Azazel with a handheld camera. He winked. The Azazel from back home was a currently trying to push him out of his turf but he gathered that wasn't the situation wherever this Dean and Azazel were from.

Or maybe not. He was still pretty intent of fucking Castiel. Maybe that Dean and Azazel had a similar fuck or murder relationship.

Either way he didn't think this Azazel was about to pull a gun on him considering he was naked. Hmm. Naked. His eyes flicked down.

"Holy shit, dude. You need a hospital." Dean stared in horror at the huge swollen lump on Azazel's dick.

"What?" Azazel looked down and shrugged.

"What do you mean, what?" Dean pointed at the swollen lump of flesh. "That. That's what I mean."

Azazel looked up slowly. The new Dean stopped stripping the other Dean. They both looked at each other.

Dean jumped when the new Dean reached over and grabbed his cock. He massaged around the base. The new Dean made a surprised noise. He reached over and shoved down the other Dean's pants and grabbed his cock for another funny massage.

"Huh." The new Dean said. "They're betas."

"We're what now?" The other Dean asked.

"Betas." The new Dean repeated. He looked between the Deans and quickly saw that they weren't following. "You don't have knots." He pointed to Azazel's weird swollen dick.

"And thank god for that." Dean said. He was not at all interested in his dick looking like a medical nightmare.

The other Dean shivered. "Uh, maybe don't say that."

"What?" Dean asked.

"Thank _hmmm."_ The other Dean said. "The last time I bugged Cas he tossed me into a literal river of shit."

Dean stared at him at a loss for words. "Castiel is...."

The other Dean nodded.

Dean's mouth dropped open. "That egotistical mafia bastard is fucking _God_ here!?"

The other Dean slapped a hand over his mouth. "Shut up. This is supposed to be a surprise."

"If it helps he's a weird shut-in back where we come from." The new Dean offered.

"It really doesn't." Dean said. He looked over across the garage. Castiel was currently flat on his back with another Dean riding him while that younger Cas sat tucked up behind him and looked like he was trying to stick his dick into Dean too.

"Okay, well how about we pop your alpha cherry instead?" The new Dean suggested.

Dean eyed the new Dean's dick. He glanced at Azazel's dick. He looked back to Dean. "...alright."

"Awesome." The new Dean said. He pushed Dean down to his stomach.

Dean craned his head around to watch as the first Dean passed lube to the new Dean. The new Dean took it and pulled the other Dean in for a wet sounding kiss. Dean heard the snap of a cap being flicked open. A few seconds later he was hissing in surprise at the finger that had been plunged into his ass.

"Warn a guy, would you?" Dean groused.

The new Dean laughed. A second finger pushed in. It took Dean a moment to realize that the other Dean had decided to finger him too.

It was strange new experience to have two different hands working his ass over that were also both exceedingly familiar. Strange but definitely a good kind of strange. Really good. Maybe too good.

"I think you're ruining masturbation for me." Dean commented.

"I plan on ruining a lot more than that." The new Dean said.

"Dude, no." Dean said. "If it doesn't fit it's not going in. I am not letting myself ruin a good thing."

"I'll be careful." The new Dean said. He pushed in another finger alongside the other Dean's. "Have a little trust in yourself."


	18. Alpha Dean

He might not have done this to a beta or an alpha in a while - though the other Deans were adamant that alpha, beta, and omega weren't a real thing and didn't exist - but he wasn't about to be a dick about it.

He worked the Dean that was flat on his stomach open while he made out with the other Dean that was generously helping to stretch Dean's asshole open. It was hard work but someone had to do it.

The Dean on his stomach gasped and swore and writhed on their fingers. The ridiculous noises didn't sound so ridiculous coming out of Dean when that Dean was someone else. They were actually kinda hot. Dean made a mental note to try and not be so embarrassed in the future when he turned into a whimpering mess.

"Oh g— fuck." The Dean on his stomach moaned. "Please tell me five is enough."

Dean glanced down at his cock. There was just a hint of his knot starting to form. He didn't think it would be too difficult to get it in and let his knot stretch Dean open the rest of the way.

"Yeah. I think we can go for it." Dean said. He grabbed the other Dean for another fast and sloppy kiss before pushing him back.

The other Dean looked at him confused.

Dean motioned towards Dean's head. The other Dean looked over. His eyebrows slowly rose.

"Oh." The other Dean said. He grinned and crawled over; blow up mattress squeaking beneath him. 

Dean grabbed Dean's hips and hauled him up until he was on elbows and knees. He grabbed his cock and guided it to Dean's hole. It slid in like a hot knife through butter.

Dean's back arched. He made a noise like all the air had been pushed out of him. He let out a string of curses and shivered.

"Like that?" Dean snickered. He started slowly pressing in the beginnings of his knot.

The other Dean slid his hips under Dean until his cock was at perfect mouth level. He grabbed Dean's head and lifted it up to his cock.

Dean let out a soft groan as he watched himself get sucked off by himself. The Dean on his cock pushed back. He moaned around the other Dean's cock as the last of Dean's knot slid in.

Dean set a slow pace, letting Dean adjust to the knot and hopefully not choke on the other Dean's dick. That would be really be a mood killer.

Dean watched the Dean getting his dick sucked. It was pretty much the best porn ever. He didn't have to imagine being him - or the Dean doing the sucking - because it _was_ him.

He watched Dean groan and snap his hips up into Dean's mouth and shivered at the way Dean moaned around the cock in his mouth. Dean grabbed Dean's hips and started fucking into him at a wild pace.

"Yeah, that's it, breed up his mouth." Dean growled. He found an angle that made Dean moan. The Dean he was fucking whimpered and pushed back, his hole clenching around Dean's knot. He snapped his his harder into Dean. "We'll breed him up at both ends. Fill him full of pups. Could keep him fat and round with our pups. Knot—"

Dean pulled his mouth off Dean's cock and looked over his shoulder at Dean. "Dude. What the hell?"

Dean thrust his hips faster. "What?"

"Breed my mouth?" Dean said. "Fill me up full of _'pups'?"_

The other Dean grabbed Dean's head and dragged it back to his dick. "Who cares? Keep sucking."

Dean leaned over and wrapped a hand around Dean's neck. He pushed Dean's head down onto Dean's cock. "You heard him. Keep sucking. Wrap those lips around his cock, they were fucking made for it." He leaned over Dean, draping his body across his back. "And I should know. I had my lips wrapped around a huge alpha cock an hour ago."

"Oh fuck." The Dean getting his cock sucked hissed. He started to moan louder. His hips shook as he thrust into Dean's mouth. "Oh fuck."

Dean grabbed a fist full of Dean's hair and yanked his head up just as the other Dean came. He groaned as he watched the other Dean's come paint Dean's face white. Dean twisted his head around to grin wickedly at Dean. He winked and licked a splat of come from his lips. That was enough for Dean to slam his hips forward and come deep in Dean's ass.

" _Ah! Fuck!_ " The Dean under him groaned. "I swear to g— I swear your dick got _bigger."_

"That's‒" Dean stopped to shiver with pleasure. "That's what knots do." He gave a few lazy thrust of his hips. Pleasure zinged through him as his knot clenched and pumped more come into Dean.

He reached around for Dean's cock. He found it hard and dripping pre-come. He growled low. He didn't leave his partner unsatisfied even if they were himself. He wrapped his arms around Dean and pulled him backwards until he was lying out on the blow up mattress with Dean sprawled on top of him; his knot still firmly buried in Dean's ass.

He thrust up, pushing his knot in deeper only to pull back and let it tug against Dean's rim. He slid his hands down Dean's chest; one stopping to rub his nipples and the other venturing further down to find his cock again.

It was weirdly different, stroking this Dean's cock. It didn't feel like his own at all. There was no knot, hard or soft. If his dick was this hard Dean would have a knot the size of his fist. Instead it was like he was slowly jerking a regular slim beta or omega cock.

The blow up mattress squeaked and shifted as someone moved across it. Dean's hand was batted away from Dean's cock.

"Dude, I can do better than a hand."


	19. Dean

Dean batted away Dean's hand— the Dean that said he was something called an alpha. He grabbed Dean's dick— the Dean that he was pretty sure was some kind of professional thief if what he'd overheard was true. He licked a wet stripe up Thief Dean's dick and let it slide into his mouth. He really wished it was Castiel's cock that he was sliding into his mouth. It'd probably taste like candy and rainbows and pie. He'd probably never want to take his mouth off it again.

Thief Dean groaned and rocked his hips up into Dean's mouth. Dean broke himself out of his fantasy to smirk around Thief Dean's dick. It was kinda hot making himself groan like that.

He grabbed the lube and squirted a dollop onto his fingers. He jammed two up his ass and did a cursory stretch. He wasn't a stranger to taking it. He needed lube more than he needed to open himself up.

He worked as much lube into his ass as he could manage then crawled up Thief Dean.

Thief Dean made a dejected noise when his mouth left his cock but grunted in surprise when he realized Dean had plans to impala himself on his cock.

"Oh, so you make me moan for it like a little bitch but you get to just shove it into you?" Thief Dean groused. But if the way his hands had gone to Dean's hips to shamelessly guide him onto his dick he wasn't as annoyed as he was pretending to be.

Dean grinned. "Yeah. You gonna do something about it?" He canted his hips up and lowered himself down. Thief Dean's cock pressed against his hole, sliding through the lube. "I can stop if you're that upset."

Thief Dean tightened his grip on Dean's hips and pushed him down until the head of his cock was _just_ pushing into his hole.    

"Take that as a no." Dean chuckled. He bore down on Thief Dean's dick, pausing now and again to adjust or to tease Thief Dean.

"Fuck, I look hot riding a dick." Alpha Dean commented from under Thief Dean. He thrust his hips up, bouncing Dean on Thief Dean's dick. "I want a copy of this porno after. For _personal_ uses."

Thief Dean snorted. "Yeah. Sign me up for the pre-order too."

"We'll see about it." Dean said. His first priority would be to make sure that Castiel - _his Castiel -_ got a copy.

He shivered, wondering if his Dean orgy would impress Castiel enough to make him take him back. Cas didn't even have to hang around all the time. Dean would be happy if he just dropped in whenever he wanted an ear to listen or a warm body to cuddle...or a warm body to fuck. Dean wouldn't turn that down either.

Dean started bouncing himself on Thief Dean's dick imagining it was Castiel the New God— _his Castiel._  His hot and amazing and sexy and _hot_ Castiel. Castiel fucking him senseless.

Thief Dean's hands went to Dean's spent cock and stroked it absently. Dean's eyes flicked open. He glanced down at Thief Dean. There was still come all over his face. Dean bent forward and licked it up.

"Fuck, that's hot." Alpha Dean growled. He grabbed Thief Dean's head and tilted it this way and that to let Dean get it all.

Dean shivered. The sex rough voice of Alpha Dean was almost as low as Castiel's voice. He had a sudden vivid fantasy image in his head. Castiel telling him in that low growl of his that he could come on his face but only if he licked it off afterwards and rode his cock like he was made for it.

It would be so fucking hot. And what if Castiel used his new found god powers to stay hard while Dean rode him? What if he growled out all low and commanding and authoritative that he couldn't get off Castiel thick cock until he'd come at least twice more? Dean shivered again. He'd be a fucking mess after that. All blissed out on Castiel's cock.

Oh God. What if Castiel pulled out after and just went to town on his mouth because what god wanted to fuck a loose asshole when they had a nice wet mouth all for them?  

Dean was pretty sure that even though he'd just come that he could do it again right now at the thought of being on his knees and worshiping the New God in all the best ways.

There was a subtle shift of air in the garage. Dean froze. He knew that feeling. He practically lived for that feeling these days. His eyes flicked open.

Dean's heart shot into his throat and pounded like a jackhammer.

Castiel was here, standing aside and quietly observing.


	20. Demon!Dean

Dean licked his lips and grinned when Dean Smith shoved him against the workbench and groaned like his heart was exploding. He wiggled his butt back on Dean Smith's cock, relishing the way it still kept him stretched open and how Russian Cas was still fucking it into him by sheer force.

As nice as it was he still had plans. He had a little nerd him to debauch and some kind weird alternate universe cock to investigate. He wriggled out from under Dean Smith and left him in the capable hands of Russian Cas and Wild Cas.

He looked around for the Dean that had come from weird cock alternate universe. Dean pouted. Weird cock Dean looked preoccupied with his dick up Crime Dean's ass as he shoved Crime Dean's face down onto Pining Dean's cock. Dean gave a little jealous noise. That Dean had a weird interesting sounding dick thing going on _and_ liked to rough up his partners a little? He had half a mind to go over there and yank him out of Crime Dean's ass, impale _himself_ on his weird dick, and then ride him into next week.    

He looked for Innocent Dean instead. He spotted the little innocent nerd and made a smug noise. Apparently he still had it when it came to blowjobs. Innocent Dean was curled up on the pink blow up mattress and looked half asleep as he watched the proceedings in the garage.

He crept up to Innocent Dean. He didn't notice him until he was trailing his fingers up his thighs and crawling onto the pink blow up mattress with him.

Innocent Dean jumped and yelped. Dean grabbed his hips and held him still.

"Told you I'd be back." Dean purred. He bent down and licked the head of Innocent Dean's cock. Innocent Dean made a surprised little squeak. Dean swallowed his whole cock down.

Innocent Dean shivered. He gulped and shyly reached out to sink his fingers into Dean's hair. He flushed bright pink. "I...ummm..." He glanced over to where the weird cock Dean was shoving Crime Dean's head down onto Pining Dean's cock. His face turned brighter pink. "I won't do that. I just like to hold on."

Dean grinned up at him wickedly. He pulled off Innocent Dean's cock with a pop. "Oh baby, you can do that all you want." He crawled up Innocent Dean until his body was draped over him. He ground their hips together. "I'll make you a deal even. You can fuck me first however and as hard as you want. You could spank my ass until it's as pink as your face then shove your whole fist up there without any lube if that's what you want."

Innocent Dean gaped at him. Dean grinned and leaned down. He kissed and licked at the side of Innocent Dean's jaw. Innocent Dean shivered and twitched and slowly relaxed back into the blow up mattress. Dean braced his arms on either side of Innocent Dean's had and pulled up from his ministrations.

"But after I get to lick that ass open until you're begging for my dick and _then_ I'll fuck you slow until you're begging for more. All you'll be able to say is faster and harder." Dean grinned down at the shocked little face Innocent Dean was making at him. "And you will because I'm just that good."

That seemed to make Innocent Dean suspicious. "What do you mean _make a deal?"_

Dean shrugged at him. It wasn't like he was trying to snatch up Innocent Dean's soul so he could have him all to himself in a few years. It would be a very fortunate side effect but it wasn't like that was _the point_ of all this.

Innocent Dean narrowed his eyes at him. "Okay, _that_ look only makes me even more suspicious. This is one of those deal with the devil kind of things, right?"

Dean grinned at him. "Deal with the devil?" He batted his eyelashes at Innocent Dean. "I'm flattered but I'm only a demon."

"Something tells me that it's still a really bad idea." Innocent Dean said.

Dean sighed. He worked his way down Innocent Dean's body and hooked his hands under Innocent Dean's knees. "It would have been a _hot_ idea. My little innocent nerdy self getting his freak on." He shoved Innocent Dean's legs up to his chest. "I'm still going to eat you out until you're begging for it. I told you I was coming back for that ass later."

Innocent Dean started to say something. Dean shut him up with a well placed lick to his asshole. Innocent Dean made another surprised little squeak. Dean decided he really needed to hear more of those.

One awesome thing about being a demon was that he wasn't confined to human anatomy. He kissed and sucked at Innocent Dean's rim while he thought about the size and shape of his tongue until it was forked and a few inches longer. He flicked Innocent Dean's rim with the fork of his tongue then slid it into that tight little hole as far as it would go.

"Ah! _Cas!_ Oh my fucking _God."_ Innocent Dean babbled.

Dean wasn't at all put out by Innocent Dean calling out Cas's name. Innocent Dean's soul had that freshly not a virgin taste. That Wild Cas with the tattoos was probably the only other person he'd had sex with or at least, there hadn't been many others. Dean only wished he had more time to leave his mark on Innocent Dean's soul.

He stepped up his rimming game. He was getting _himself_ all hot and bothered thinking about all the things he'd do to the innocent little nerd to leave a great big stain on his soul if he only had more time.


	21. Nerd!Dean

Dean wasn't as naïve about sex as everyone thought he was. He might not have been with a lot of people before but he was with _Cas_ now and Cas was always ready and willing to try new things. Cas had talked him into rimming before so he knew how awesome it felt but whatever the demon between his legs was doing it was _insane._

He was sure that no one had a tongue that long but it kept flicking up inside him and licking at him and flicking against his rim and pushing back in and— _fuck_. It was really really _inhumanly_ good.

He supposed that was kind of what one got for letting a demon eat them out.

He squirmed against Demon Dean's tongue and panted and moaned. His dick started to fill up again. It dripped pre-come onto his stomach and no one was even touching it. His nipples were so hard they'd turned into tight little peaks that actually _hurt._ His skin was crawling with pleasure. His legs were trembling.

"Oh fuck. Oh God." Dean panted. That too long tongue flicked back into him and pressed up, running little circles over his prostate. He broke. " _Fuck me. Please. Fuck. God, just fuck me."_

Demon Dean slid his tongue out and looked up. Dean watched in sick fascination as Demon Dean's tongue slid back into his mouth like spaghetti, forked end flicking at him suggestively as it disappeared inside.

"Told you, you'd beg for it." Demon Dean said.

Demon Dean grabbed a bottle of lube from nearby and covered his cock. He bent back down and licked Dean's asshole again, getting it good and wet. It felt like a regular sized and shaped tongue again. Demon Dean shuffled forward and guided his cock to Dean's hole. He grabbed Dean's legs and wrapped them around his waist.  

Dean moaned as Demon Dean's cock split him open. He wondered if this was what it felt like for Cas when he fucked him or if Demon Dean was doing some kind of dark demonic magic to make his dick bigger. There was no way his own dick was this big. He was sure of it.

"Fuck." Demon Dean growled. "You're a tight little thing despite whatever that wild Cas does to you."

Dean shoved down harder on Demon Dean's cock.

"And eager." Demon Dean chuckled. He eased his hips forward, cock sliding in one agonizingly slow inch at a time.

Dean squirmed against him when his butt was flush against Demon Dean's hips.

Demon Dean tutted him and held his hips still. "I said we were gonna do this slow until you were begging for more."

Dean groaned. " _More."_

"That's not _real_ begging." Demon Dean chastised. He eased back slowly until his dick popped out. He pushed it back in, this time pushing a finger in beside it. He crooked his finger up and rocked his hips a bit faster.

"Ah! Ah! Fuck!" Dean tightened his legs around Demon Dean. Demon Dean had crooked his finger up and started rubbing his prostate while he fucked him. Dean had never had so much inside of him all at once. "Oh fuck!"

"Oh, I like that." Demon Dean grinned down at him. He fucked his finger in and out alongside his dick then slowly started to push in a second one. He suddenly stopped.

"Don't _stop!"_ Dean squirmed on his fingers and cock.

Demon Dean looked over his shoulder. He looked back down to Dean. He licked his lips. He bent over Dean and gave him a filthy kiss.

"You know. I just thought of something." Demon Dean purred. "I had this whole plan how I was going to fuck you senseless then spit roast you with your wild Cas."

Dean gulped and felt his face turn red. He'd had fantasies about having threesomes with Cas where they did just that. Though not usually with himself as the third person. But he had never had the courage to ask about it before.  

"Oh, you'd like that, would you?" Demon Dean chuckled. He reached up and rolled one of Dean's nipples between his fingers. "But I think you'd like it even more if I fingered you open more while I fucked you senseless then let your Cas and that Russian Cas shove _both_ their cocks up your ass."

Dean felt his heart stop.

Demon Dean grinned at him. He pulled out and before Dean knew what was going on he found himself flipped over onto his hands and knees and Demon Dean's cock sliding back in along with two fingers.

"You're going to look so hot riding two dicks." Demon Dean said. He started thrusting his hips faster and pushing a third finger into Dean's ass. He laughed. "And I would know. _I_ look pretty hot riding two dicks. You're gonna make so much damn noise. And be such a mess after. Fuck, maybe I'll eat you out again after."

Dean's skin prickled. The burn from being stretched so wide at war with thinking about how fucking _awesome_ it would be to have Cas fucking him twice at the same time.


	22. Punk!Cas

It was kinda weird making out with an older scarier version of himself but Cas wasn't going to miss the opportunity. How many people could say they'd made out with themselves?

"Fuck, I wish I was eighteen again." Dean Smith muttered as he watched them.

Castiel made a low rumbling noise against Cas's lips that Cas thought was supposed to be a chuckle. Castiel rocked his hips against Cas's. Apparently _he_ didn't have to wish he was eighteen again.

Cas hoped he still had it in him when he got that old.

Castiel reached around and rubbed a finger over Cas's asshole making him gasp. He did that low rumbling chuckle again then grabbed Cas's ass in both hands, picked him up, and deposited him on the workbench. He stepped in close between Cas's legs. He pressed himself up against Cas and stroked their cocks together.

"You know, I am liking this a lot more than I probably should." Cas said.

Castiel shrugged and kissed him.

Dean Smith coughed. "Uh, hate to interrupt but I think that other Dean is trying to get your attention while he fucks your boyfriend."

"Huh?" Cas leaned around Castiel to see that Dean that claimed to be a demon waving at him while he was balls deep in Dean.

Castiel shoved his hands under Cas again and lifted him up.

"Whoa!" Cas grabbed onto Castiel's shoulders as he was casually carried off to Demon Dean.

Castiel dropped him down onto the pink blow up mattress then did a murder scowl.

Cas's eyes went wide. He put his hands up. "What did _I_ do? You brought me over here."

Castiel made a dismissive motion and kept doing the murder scowl. Cas realized he wasn't looking at him but past him.

"I think he's mad that his hate fuck is enjoying himself without him." Demon Dean said. He grabbed Castiel's wrist and pulled him down to the blow up mattress. "Hey, if you help me out with this I'll help you ruin that good looking con artist."

Castiel looked between Demon Dean, Dean, and Cas then back to Demon Dean. "Help you with what?"

"Yeah?" Cas asked. He eyed Dean's ass. He was pretty sure Demon Dean had his dick and _four_ fingers shoved into his boyfriend.

Demon Dean pulled out. Dean made a frantic little whine. Demon Dean pointed at Castiel then patted the blow up mattress.

Castiel glanced back over to where the other Deans were fucking. He scowled again but laid down. 

"Great." Demon Dean said dryly.

Demon Dean pulled Castiel down the blow up mattress until his butt was at the edge of the mattress and his feet were planted firmly on the floor. He grabbed Cas's arm and tugged him over to Castiel. He pushed him around until he was straddling Castiel's thighs; their cocks jutting up together. He squirted lube all over them then tossed the empty bottle aside.

Cas rocked his hips down, sliding his lube slick cock along Castiel's. Castiel's hand snapped up to grab both their dicks again.

Dean gave a forlorn little whine.

"You okay?" Cas asked. Sometimes his naïve boyfriend got ahead of himself. Cas was beginning to wonder if paying off student loans by doing porn might have been one of those times.

"Oh my _God, Cas."_ Dean said by way of answer.

Demon Dean gathered Dean up and positioned him in front of Cas. Castiel made a growly noise and positioned their cocks, aiming right for his boyfriend's asshole. Cas's eyebrows shot up to his hairline.

"Whoa." Cas grabbed Dean's hips and stopped Demon Dean from splitting his boyfriend open.

"He wants it." Demon Dean said with a shit eating grin. "You should have heard the noises he made while I stretched him open for this."

Cas glared at him. He wrapped his arms around Dean and kissed his shoulder. "You sure?"

"Cas, there are _two_ of you." Dean said. He put his hands over Cas's hands on his hips. He tried to wiggle down. "You _know_ I'll chicken out if it hurts too much."

"You heard him. He wants it." Demon Dean said. He leaned in. He tilted Dean's head up to his own and gave him a lewd kiss that made Cas's heart race.

Demon Dean slid his hands under Cas's hands and started pushing down on Dean's hips.

Dean made a desperate noise, one hand shot out and planted itself on Castiel's chest while the other reached back to curl into Cas's hair. " _Oh my God, Cas."_

Cas huffed and panted into Dean's ear. Dean was right, _oh my God!_ Cas's dick was being squeezed impossibly tight in all the right ways.

Castiel rocked his hips up, just a fraction of an inch. Dean and Cas both let out a groan.

"Told you he wanted it." Demon Dean snickered. He pushed Dean down further.

Dean started up a chant of, _Oh my fucking God, Cas. Cas. Fuck, oh God._ Until he was sitting in Cas and Castiel's laps. He leaned forward and panted.

Cas shivered and tried not to move his dick. He stroked Dean's sides and kissed his neck. "You okay babe?"

Dean nodded.

"You want them to fuck you?" Demon Dean asked.

Cas shot him a glare.

Dean nodded. He grabbed one of Cas's hands and pulled it around to his dick. He reached for one of Castiel's hands and placed it so it half around Cas's hand and half on his dick. Cas set a slow pace with his hand, Castiel following along with it.


	23. The New God

Castiel had arrived at Bobby Singer's garage with every intention of finding a new and creative way to punish Dean for wasting his time and sending him lewd prayers.

He had not expected Dean to have finally found something actually worth his time.

He had not expected Dean to have rapidly multiplied either.

One quick look around was enough to tell him that Dean had used a spell to summon people from various other universes.

He wondered how many people Dean had actually summoned before finding the appropriate gift.

He watched the proceedings for a few minutes, appreciating the _Euglossa dilemma_ tattoos.

One of the Deans that had come from an alternate universe was busy screaming as two alternate versions of himself fucked into him. Castiel realized most of the lewd prayers had actually been this Dean. It made more sense honestly. The prayers had been far more enthusiastic and thankful than the usual whining Dean had recently been praying to him.

"Oh God! Cas!" The Dean getting fucked screamed.

Castiel could agree with the sentiment. He was a prodigious lover. Obviously. He was the New God. Any version of himself would be a prodigious lover that was why he always took care of himself. No one else knew how to do it right.

"So..." A demonic version of Dean said. "...are you going to stand there or smite somebody?"

Castiel briefly considered smiting the demonic Dean out of principle but decided that it may ruin the mood. He made a dismissive motion with his hand. The demonic Dean backed away clearly sensing how powerful and awesome - not at all how Dean meant it - he was.

Castiel snapped his fingers. His clothes fell to the floor beside him neatly folded.   

Dean raced over and skidded to a stop in front of him. "Cas! You're here!"

"Obviously, Dean." He knelt down on the pink blow up mattress.

"It was supposed to be a surprise." Dean said. He looked at Castiel, nervous but hopeful.

"It was." Castiel said. He reached out and traced and finger along one of the tattoos on his alternate universe self. "I was very surprised you hadn't fucked up again, Dean."

"Uh..." The tattooed version of himself said. "Hi?"

"Hello." Castiel said. He drew his finger up the tattooed version of himself and lifted up his chin. He leaned in and kissed him. His other self hesitated for a moment before kissing back. Castiel made a satisfied noise when he did.

Dean made a disgruntled noise of disbelief. "You're— You—" He threw his hands up. "You want the _ridiculous punk_ with the _stupid bug tattoos!?"_

The Dean with two - very perfect dicks because they were exact copies of Castiel's own - up his ass and the tattooed Castiel both jerked their heads around to glower at Dean.

"Punk's not ridiculous!" The Dean getting fucked snapped. "And Cas is smart. And a badass."

"They're green orchid bees! Not _bugs!"_ The tattooed Castiel growled at the same time. "And they're majestic fucking creatures."

The Castiel on his back laughed. Castiel decided he liked him too.

Castiel folded his legs under himself. And calmly waited for Dean to stop pouting. When Dean was finished he made sure to give a long exasperated sigh. "It's not my fault you still fucked up, Dean. I do however appreciate that there is a silver lining in all this."

Dean pursed his lips and pouted more.

Castiel rolled his eyes. He laid a hand on the two Castiels intent on taking them somewhere more private since Dean was apparently incapable of leaving him alone.

"What're you doing?" The tattooed Castiel asked.

"Taking you and this other Castiel to a beach in Maldives." Castiel explained. 

"Me and him?" The tattooed Castiel pointed at himself and the other Castiel. He wrapped his arms more tightly around the Dean impaled on their cocks. "I'm not leaving Dean behind with these guys." He eyed the demonic Dean warily.

Castiel shifted his hand to touch both Dean and Castiel. He could never say no to a man covered in bees. "Very well."


	24. Dean

Dean stared at the empty spot on the pink mattress where Castiel had been. He stared for a whole two minutes before screaming and kicking a purple blow up chair across the garage.

He'd set up this _whole thing_ and Castiel had breezed in, told him off, and left with _a completely **different** Dean!_

Demon Dean laughed. "Dude, you're so hung up on him it's sad."

"Shut up." Dean growled.

The other Deans all had to add in their two cents too.

"I dunno, dude. I think he's right."

"Yeah, you're kinda desperate."

"A hate fuck is one thing but do you really want a pity fuck?"

Dean glared at all of them. What did _they_ know? All their Castiels were practically drooling over them in comparison to his Castiel.

He found his clothes and yanked them on. He ignored Demon Dean discussing Alpha Dean's weird dick with Azazel.

Dean stomped outside and up to the house. Bobby probably already had a counter spell to send all those assholes home.

He stomped in the door. Three kids raced by him chasing after one of those weird dinosaur things.

He stomped into the kitchen. There was a Dean and Kid Sam sitting at the kitchen table both looking sick, a half-eaten pie in front of each of them. Dean glared at them. He grabbed a clean fork and stole both their pies because they were _his_ pies and what were _they_ gonna do about it?

Sam poked his head into the kitchen carrying one of the dinosaur things with him. The dinosaur thing was making a _churring_ noise as Sam scratched it under its chin.

"So what?" Dean growled. "You're one with nature now?"

Sam looked him over and made a Sam face. "You're our Dean?"

Dean rolled his eyes. " _Yeah."_

Sam looked him over again and made _another_ Sam face. "So you struck out again, huh?"

Dean stabbed his pie with the fork and shovelled a mouthful into his face. "No."

Sam snorted. "Right."

"I decided that I had a better idea." Dean said loftily.

Sam snorted again. " _Right."_

"I don't get it." Kid Sam said. "If they were just playing baseball why couldn't we go outside?"

The other Dean made a strangled noise like he wasn't sure if he was supposed to be amused or horrified.

"They weren't." Sam said. "They were—"

The Dean with all the kids suddenly swooped in. "Hey, Sam! Why don't you help the others catch the turkey!?"

Kid Sam made a _kid_ Sam face. "They're raptors."


	25. Bobby

Bobby was on his eighth cup of coffee when he pulled into his driveway in the early morning hours. When he opened the door to his house to find a bunch of Deans complaining about stomach aches from too much pie. He wished he'd just gotten a ninth cup of coffee and kept driving.

"Which one of you is the idiot?" Bobby asked.

They all pointed to the Dean in the corner who scowled at them like he'd been betrayed.

Bobby nodded and held up the bag of spell ingredients. "Come on. You gotta read the incantation each time."

Dean shot them all another dirty look before getting up.

Bobby huffed in exasperation. He motioned to the other Deans. "And whichever one of you showed up with all the kids, round'em up. We're sending you home first."   

"We can't just send them all back at once?" Dean asked.

"What? You thought it would be easier to undo the spell than cast it?" Bobby said. He grabbed a few things from the den then started outside. He stopped at the door and turned around. He eyed Dean suspiciously. "Please tell me you cleaned up my garage."

Dean licked his lips and glanced away like he hadn't quite heard him.

Bobby grimaced. "Once we've sent everyone home _you're_ cleaning up out there."

Dean opened his mouth to argue. Bobby held his hand up.

"I don't want to hear it." Bobby said. He marched out of his house that had been taken over by Deans and other unexpected visitors. There was an open patch of gravel between some rusting pickup trucks that would be big enough for the spell.

They spent all morning sending Deans and the others home; everyone filling their pockets with gold before going. Then Dean spent all afternoon cleaning up the garage because Bobby wouldn't let him back inside until he had decontaminated it.

Bobby spent all afternoon trying to figure out what to do about the missing Castiels, Dean, Jimmy Novak, and what Dean thought might be a real dragon he'd set loose on the world.

Eleanor volunteered to go deal with the dragon since she apparently knew more about them than just how to kill them.

Bobby sent Sam out to drive around and see where Jimmy Novak had wandered off to. He wouldn't have been that concerned except the idjit looked uncannily like the New God and who knows what kind of trouble he might get into with Castiel's weirdo followers.

He honestly wasn't sure what to do about the two Castiels and the Dean that Castiel had kidnapped. Sure he could track them down but then what? Ask the New God nicely to give them back so they could send them home?

At least they'd gotten rid of all the kids and the damn dinosaurs.


	26. Souless Sam

They had circled back to Bobby's place nearly a month after Dean had tried to make his terrible porn. Sam couldn't figure out why or how Dean had ever thought that would be a good idea. He wasn't holding out any hope that Dean would ever be able to explain his reasoning either.

The only good thing about it was that they had a pile of gold leftover in Bobby's garage. They didn't have to run credit card scams any more.

Sam kinda wished they had just given Meg and Eve the pile of gold in exchange for the mutant turkeys. They had grown on him in the 24 hours they'd been there. They were cooler than dogs.

There hadn't been any sign of Jimmy Novak or dragons in the last month. There also hadn't been any signs of the New God either. Dean was no help at all as far as the search went. He'd sigh and grumble about how he'd planned _everything_ and Cas _still_ hadn't been impressed.

Sam had suggest that if Dean was that serious about getting Castiel to notice him that maybe he should just find a local beekeeper and have them teach him how to let bees swarm on his face.

Dean had only glowered at him and turned the music up louder and went back to dramatically pouting about his not-boyfriend.

Sam rolled his eyes. It wasn't his fault if Dean didn't know a good idea when it hit him in the face.

So it was absolutely hilarious when they showed up to Bobby's house and found two very tanned Castiels and one very freckled and sunburned Dean lounging on Bobby's porch, all of them drinking some sort of fancy drink with umbrellas.

Dean slammed the brakes on the impala. He scrambled out of the car and marched up to the porch. He tried to not act like he was wildly jealous of a barely legal version of himself.

"Where is he?" Dean demanded.

The older of the two Castiels shrugged. "He had business to attend to."

"He dropped us off here and told us Bobby would send us home." The other Dean said.

Dean scowled at him. The younger Castiel scowled at Dean on the other Dean's behalf.

"Aren't you going to ask us how our beach vacation went?" The younger Castiel asked in an over sweet tone. "Because it was amazing."

The older Castiel and the other Dean sighed.

"The _sex_ was amazing." The other Dean said dreamily.

The older Castiel nodded in agreement. The younger Castiel started to snicker but it petered out into an equally dreamy sigh.

Sam snorted at the way Dean's face turned an angry red. Dean stomped past them and into the house.

"Bobby!" Dean yelled as he stomped inside. "Bobby! Where's that spell stuff!?"

Sam sauntered up the steps. He nodded at the fancy umbrella drinks. "Any more of those?"

The other Dean passed him over his drink. "I'll just steal Cas's."

Sam took the offered drink. He sniffed at the glass. It smelt like rum and coconut. He took a sip. It wasn't exactly up his ally but it wasn't terrible either. "Not bad."

"Cas grew all the ingredients himself and found the perfect rum in the entire world for it. And made the glass out of sand from the beach and shaped it himself." The other Dean said, obviously smitten. He turned and kissed the younger Castiel then leaned around and kissed the older Castiel. "Why are you so perfect in every world?"

Sam made a mock gagging noise. That was too much for even him. "Dean's right." He went inside and started calling for Bobby. "Bobby! We have to get rid of them before they start writing bad poetry to each other or something!"

Bobby appeared in the hallway carrying an armful of spell supplies. "Come on. Having one Dean go on about how amazing Castiel is, is bad enough. I don't think we can survive two."

"I don't go on about how amazing he is." Dean retorted.

Sam stared at him. "You spent two hours this morning telling me about how you thought his trench coat was a timeless style choice between pouting about how he won't look at you anymore."

"Shut up." Dean said. He was really great at witty comebacks.

Sam rolled his eyes and helped Bobby carry the stuff out to the designated alternate universe travel spot. Because that's what their lives had come to.

There was a brief argument when the older Castiel decided he'd rather go back with the younger Castiel and the other Dean. In the end Bobby had thrown his hands up and said fine. Who cared about inter-universe paradoxes?

Then Dean said the words to the counter spell and sent them all home.

"The next time you get it into your head to use a spell to summon your alternate universe doppelgangers, _don't."_ Bobby growled. He let out a huff. "At least we still have that gold."

"I wish we had the mutant turkeys." Sam said.

Bobby shook his head. "We _weren't_ keeping dinosaurs, Sam."

Sam shrugged. "They were cool."

"...you know what could be cool?" Dean said. "Beekeeping could be cool."

Bobby narrowed his eyes at Dean. "No. You are not keeping beehives on my property." He turned on his heel and marched back to the house. "I don't even want to know how you think that's going to help you win Castiel over."

Sam snorted. "Come on, Bobby. He just wants to _woo_ and _impress_ Cas." He clapped a hand on Bobby's shoulder. "Think about it. If he starts wearing bees on his face maybe Cas will show up and take him somewhere for a month."

Bobby sighed. "If only."


	27. Epilogue: Jimmy Novak

Jimmy sprawled out on the lounge chair beside the pool. He reached over and clinked his glass with Eleanor's.

"Thanks again for helping me train Dean not to eat everyone in a twelve mile radius of the mansion." Jimmy said. He sipped at his drink and watched the dragon sprawled out on his back on the hot concrete around the pool like a big cat on a warm rock. He had named it Dean because everyone had seemed to be named Dean that day. From the way it made all sorts of dragon happy noises he almost suspected that the dragon's name really was Dean.

"And for figuring out how to launder all that money." Jimmy said.

Eleanor picked the straw from her drink and tossed it aside. She drained half her glass before answering. "No problem, Jimmy. When you're as old as I am you pick up a useful skill or two."

The dragon huffed as if agreeing with Eleanor. Jimmy reached out with his foot and rubbed Dean's belly. Jimmy thought it was a small price to pay for a dragon that hoarded so much money they barely knew what to do with it all.

Buying a few thousand acres and a mansion was a good start but Dean kept hoarding more and more cash.

"And thank _you_ for providing this wonderful vacation." Eleanor said. "All that hunter drama was getting old."

"Well, you can stay for as long as you want." Jimmy said. He didn't have any plans on ever returning to his own world when he had an endless source of income and his very own dragon in this one. "I'm sure Dean won't mind."

The dragon made a satisfied puffing sound. Jimmy rubbed his belly again.

"You might have to pay rent in belly rubs though." Jimmy said.

Eleanor laughed. "I think I can handle that."


End file.
